I worked at Disney on Friday...Mickey's Not So Scary Halloween party. It was very tiring and boring not at all what I had imagined. First off, it was like 90 degrees out even after the sun went down. Secondly, it was the first night of the event so things were pretty much chaotic. I got there 2 hours before my shift because I had canceled my interview at the Dixie Stampede which was supposed to be at 3:00. I figure that a job there just wasn't what I was after. I mean I'm desperate for a new job but I'm not that desperate. So I canceled around 1 and decided to stop at Quizno's to try the new steakhoue dip sandwich. It is delicious by the way. After that I drove to work. I got into costuming and had to wait in this huge line just to find out what costume I was supposed to be wearing. Turns out the only size they had left in the "mechanic suit"(for Speedway) was small and of course I couldn't fit into that. So the guy suggested I get a regular event shirt and black pants. I get ahold of the bright orange-draw attention-really sticky-irritating type shirt and black pants which took me almost 45 minutes becuase everyone was after the same thing. Good thing I got there early. Anyway....I don't feel like getting into too much detail today but I will tell you this...Mickey's Not So Scary is not very fun when you're working it. I would have much rather spent the entire night at Space Mountain unbelievably.
Yesterday I went to work and it was just me and Joe. It was a slow and boring weekend as usual and it gave me a chance to think....
Today I got home at 7:45 because I had to pick up my sister from her friend's house and I bought Papa John's for dinner. I missed the entire beginning of Charmed, a whole 30 minutes, literally half of the show and I'm bummed because I have to give a fucking speech tomorrow for my public speaking class. I so don't want to do it. Maybe I won't go. Truth is....I can't do it. This public speaking class brings up too many memories of my high school public speaking class and I guess it's just a thing with Miss Gamma but I can never really be myself. That and the months of October through December were never really my best months thanks to the painful events from fall 2002. Wow..that long already? You know Heather if you're reading this, maybe you can help me get out of this time loop and my mind and sudden de ja vu all over again and bring me back to the present. Although the present isn't exactly very promising.
I might actually fail a course in school for once. I may actually drop out like I've always debated not to. I may just quit these wrecked jobs and possibly disappear off the face of the earth for good. It's just so hard.
I keep on running through my head, "Come on. Disappoint me" or "I know I can't be happy for long." Katy is ignoring me as if she wants nothing to do with me and I never did a thing to her, last thing we did before she left was hang out at her apartment and I gave her the 13 Going on 30 DVD. Nothign bad there right? Apparently I'm not worth keeping in touch with.
Nathan hasn't spoken to me since he lift and I'm almost certain he forgot about me.
Tanya called me once and then never again. Makes me think that maybe she felt sorry for me and just didn't want me whining.
Heather has come and gone and for some reason I feel that my move to Florida has effected the great friendship we could have had.
Amanda doesn't call me and only talks to me when she wants a favor. It's as if she's using me because that's all I'm good for.
Amy won't talk to me unless SHE has a problem and I won't call her because she'll always tell me she'll call me back but never does.
Kristen is only a friend at work and I don't think she even cares to hang out with me outside of work. She just pretends to be nice.
Stacey just gives me a "hello" when we pass each other and doesn't even bother to call me despite all the messages I leave her.
Jake tells me he's too busy to call me. Well then he's too busy for me then isn't he? He can't take one lousy second to see how I am?
Melissa's last words to me were, "My phone's getting disconnected I'll call you when I can." So now I have no way of communicating unless she actually calls me.
Jillian, the two-face she is said she wanted to try and be a real friend for once but failed yet again. Everytime I call her, she hang up. Everytime I IM her, she signs off. Every email I send, she deletes.
Jackie has a grudge against me over something I didn't do...which again, I hate to no end. She wants nothing to do with me and I don't like being outcast for nothing.
I haven't spoken to Millie or Lauren since I moved. They probably forgot about me anyway.
Andrew was probably happy to get away from me. I haven't spoken to him since the last day of school.
Larisa continues to play it cool and act like she cares but I know she doesn't. She has better things to do and she actually let that phrase slip on occassion.
Let me not even get started with Jen. She was the one big surprise and I think that if she were around right now, I know I'd be better off. She was my best friend and she told me she'd never lose contact with me and always find time to talk with me or IM me. I haven't gotten one freakin' email or even a phone call. Some surprise.
Petra is probably better off without me living her life free of all my headaches. As a friend I thought we were closer than just "See you at our ten year reunion!"
The excuse I get from Maxine is, "I lost your number, sorry I couldn't call." Oh please how many times can a person use that one? Anyway I talk to her at times through email, why not ask me then?
Candace actually apologized for how she upset me and I was glad because I actually thought I had a friend for once. But I know somehow something is going to go wrong and it's going to be just the same as my friends of the past.
Lydia is almost the same way. She called me to ask me about Hurricane Jeanne and since then hasn't even crossed lines with me. I'm afraid to call her so I hope she end up calling me soon. If my predictions for sudden friend loss doesn't come true.
Someday I hope to call Tina or Lezlie. Maybe I'll email Bryan or even give Katy another try. I could possibly call Lauren, Dionna, Stacey, Maggie, or Ryan. Perhaps I could call Meghan or see of Pam wants to hang out. I may see if I can hang out with Yari or Morgan outside of work or take Don or Mike out on their offers.
People say friends come and go but for me it seems as if all my friends just Go....
Hence the loneliness.
Maybe life would just be easier if I just gave up.
I just need some direction. I'm lost and I'm scared.
   
   
   
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...are you reading the right journal?
